The Fog is Lifting

Slowly but surely the fog that has been surrounding my life for the past year is lifting. I am starting to get out more, see people that I have not seen in a while, and what I am realizing is that I have been so focused on simply surviving this past year that I have not noticed changes that have gone on around me. I visit with people and realize that their lives have continued. While I realize that of course life does go on, I am sad that I have missed noticeable changes in the people around me. Friends have changed jobs, gotten pregnant and undergone a myriad of other changes that I barely noticed because I was so consumed with keeping my own head above water. This also applies to my immediate family, in particular my 2 year old son. During his second year of life, my life was a world-wind of surgeries, doctor visits and chemotherapy treatments. The other day he recited an entire book to me. I had to ask my husband if he had ever noticed that before. My husband of course had seen my son do it a number of times. Why was I so oblivious? Some days I wish with all my being that I could turn back time or at least suspend time so that I could re-live my son’s first steps, the first time he said “I love you, mommy”, the first time he sang a song to me…..because all these firsts are jumbled together in my foggy memory of the past year. My husband has tried to document as much as possible with pictures and digital video for which I am very grateful. However, it still stings to realize you can’t remember the exact day when your son took his first steps. By comparison, I can remember the exact day I was diagnosed with cancer, the day I began chemotherapy, and the day I lost my breasts. Why are these days etched in my memory so vividly, yet I can’t remember my son’s first steps? I am sure I will sort all this out in time and have even noticed that over the past few weeks many of my memories are starting to resurface little by little. Last night due to a skipped nap my son was so tired that he needed me to rock him to sleep which he had not requested for a number of months. While rocking him memories started to flood back into the forefront. I remembered that during the long months of chemotherapy one of the only things that completely relieved my mind from pain was to rock my son to sleep at night. Even after he had fallen asleep I would continue to rock him for a while before putting him in his crib because holding onto him gave me the strength I needed to face another chemotherapy treatment. These days when I spend time with my son and husband I catch myself trying to etch these special moments into my mind forever. As I put more time between me and my cancer I am starting to believe bit by bit that I will be around for many more years which will allow me to make many more memories with my friends and family.